to amandalouise,

first of all i apologize for hijacking this thread and i don't mean to start a disagreement here bcause i have no real idea what it is like to have alters. i have also never challenged any post, but you sounded so cynical and to deny ppl the right to explore sources to find out more about their diagnosed condition seems cruel.

i understand what you are saying, that ppl who seem to think it is "cool" to create alters is a bit "out there" and seems dangerous, and to deny them access to information may prevent this, if it really does influence them in the first place. i guess there are those, as in any area, that like to experiment and walk "on the edge" of things. and IMHO bitterdregs, you may be playing with fire. i just don't know. don't think i could handle putting anything more in my head than is already there. again, IMHO.

but when i found out i had bipolar disorder in 1995, after an adult "lifetime" search for what was wrong with me (the spending, moving all the time, switching jobs, not staying in relationships, on a manic high one day, in bed crying the next, etc. etc.), i was so incredibly relieved and i devoured any information i could get my hands on so i could understand more. it was such a relief to know it had a name. i finally understood so much about myself, was able to get proper medication and treatment and share with others online and didn't feel alone anymore. this is critical to my wellbeing.

now, the reason i am in THIS area is i have recently been also diagnosed with derealization/depersonalization disorder, a form of dissociation. i "leave" myself a LOT, *i* (whoever *i* is) have been "hidden" for years and years and only come into my "self" very rarely. i am comfortable with saying "we" but have no clue as to who "we" are. but who the he*l is in control? but i would never invent an alter, for example, to immitate being DID, or say something i thought a therapist "wanted to hear"...?? the truth is bad enough, and i don't envy those that have this sad and frightening disorder but i understand now why i have "hid" for so long and have basically lost my sense of personal identity after much abuse. i believe i have come as close as you can get to having true alters but i don't see this in myself, yet anyway, again, this is all new.

but i can't read enough and would resent anyone telling me NOT to read more about it. because now i know the source of the nightmares, my awful dark poetry, the rages within, the overwhelming fear, the abyss i live in a lot of the time, all of it.

and one more thing please. i actually did ask someone, who had a very mean alter who took over and caused major trouble and physical pain, if it was possible to actually create an alter that would be strong enough to stop this other alter from harming them. it was an innocent question and i know now they would never do this to intentionally create something that might cause more harm. the subject was dropped. it was my own naivite that made me ask in the first place. again, i need to and WILL do more reading. and i would never deny anyone else this critical right to learn more.

am very surprised i am speaking out, but if i hadn't found this place and learned and read more, my escalating melt-downs (and a hospitalization in march because i was non-stop crying, psychotic, no sense of reality at all, lost, afraid of everything around me) would have seriously lead to something i don't want to think about now

anyway, just my 2c no offense meant