Indeed Echoes I think we're on the same track (as usual).
After some of the horrenduous things that happened in our family, it was time for birthday or Christmas celebrations and they'd ask, what gift do you want? I never found it in the toy catalog. I had no words for it, but what I wanted was for us to be a real family, without secrets, without tyranny, without favoritism, without manipulation, without agendas; with hugs, with acceptance and encouragement, with safety and security, with love and teaching ("nurturance" I guess is a word for some of this).

I don't know what to say to Sannah's points (not disagreeing, just don't know what to say); in therapy yes I have discovered a lot of what was really going on in my FOO, what my growing up years were really like; but I am still pushing that knowledge away, it HURTS. What is it going to take to move to the next step? I don't know how.

The family members who could have made it different are all gone now; the ones who remain were not responsible for all that but still I keep them at arm's length, and my DH, and everyone else - even T, who still comments that trust is so difficult for me. I don't know how to change it.