You all know my story (well most of you do I am sure)...

I've been totally grumpy this week that he has been back. I'm going to ruin the whole thing unless I can pull myself back up out of this hole I am in. I don't even know how I got back into the darkness

I think about Mark every day - STUPID! not loving thoughts, so don't worry about that LOL. When I am falling asleep (in bed alone or with my new partner) I have visions of what he did to me, him and her in the house etc... Those thoughts had gone and now are back. I don't want to go back on the anti-depressants, don't think it's really needed. Just need to find a happy medium.

I should be happy, have a wonderful guy who I really have fallen for but my insecurities are going to send that down the drain. He knows I'm fragile and have issues... said previously that we will work though them together...but I feel all alone. Can't or don't want to keep having to ask him are 'we are all good?', he gets frustrated and I know that it will drive him away as he is a fun positive guy.

for the past 4 weeks there have been "I love you" over skype chat while he is away at work... one "I love you the night he got back as he was falling asleep" and none for the next 6 days... I did say I love you to him while we are away and he jokingly asked "how much" I held my fngers a couple of inches apart and said "this much"... then he changed the subject. No return I love you. He knows not to say it if he's not feeling it (my rule as they are not just words)... but wow it felt like a slap in the face not to have him say it back... now it's 3 days past and I am still dwelling on it.

We had a great afternoon.. and a great weekend away - if only I could stop the grumpy thoughts as he diesn't deserve them. Its all that i read too much into everything.

Sorry for the ramble, so much I need to understand and talk about,

He asked what was wrong.. i kept saying nothing.. he knew I was lying LOL but still I said just not to worry.. as he was leaving I blurted out "I'm scared of getting hurt" and he replied with something like "you need to get past that thought".. not a great answer and I chose a really bad time to say it as he did have to leave.

Lots of cuddles and kisses when i walked him out. Says that he will miss me heaps...and that he knows how I feel about the 4 weeks apart. He wants to take me away next time he's back.

All of these actions and words are truthful... so why can't I just be happy??