In my appt with T today I sat down and she asked how I was doing. I told her "OK" with a smile and she then said to me: "but not really".

I told her I was feeling shut off. She then asked why?

I was able to tell her that I was upset after my last appt because she said I could have lied to my mother and she wouldn't have found out (my mom told be to beat another child who picked on me at the bus stop and if I didn't my mom would beat me). I told T lying was never an option. My mom would always find out. She said she doesn't know why she would say that I could have lied and asked me how I felt about it etc.... I told her upset and that I feel like she(T) doesn't "get it"/"get me".

She said that the image of me being a 'bully' or beating on another child as a child doesn't fit her mental picture of me (I say bully because peers had a false perception of me - for me it was beat or be beaten at home). I told her that when I did this I was on 'auto pilot'. I had to take my emotion out of the picture to do it. She told me I learned to hide my emotions and not be seen for fear of what may happen next. I hid any emotion or behavior that would get in the way of me surviving - I tried to be as invisible as humanly possible.

I was able to tell her that if I could just get rid of a part of me or somehow accept the part of me that I have been pushing away all these years then I can find peace and move on with my life. Of course I can't get rid of that part of me but I can find a way to make peace with it. I feel like I need to process how she(the little girl) did or didn't do things growing up and how that inteprets to what I don't like about me now.

There were other things I didn't get to talk about - yet again - however my T does get a more clearer picture of 'all of me' - the part I've been keeping hidden since I started going to T. She told me she was suprised at some of the things I had told her but now understands there was more to the picture. I Now feel like I can start the process.

On the upside I did leave feeling more understood and more receptive to T than at the beginning of the appt.

I'm feeling a little bit of the warm fuzzes inside as I have a time T leaves open for me every Tues at the same time. I can choose to come every week during that time if I wish to make an appt. - or skip a week. Sigh. Feeling a little bit more safe.

Lots of homework for me to do now

Sorry for the ramblings - thanks for listening