Uh oh.. Well now I feel really guilty. I suppose I should confess too.. today I slipped, and asked him (online) how he was doing. I did try really hard not to, first I just typed it and then for like 10 minutes fought with myself, like "do NOT hit enter!" vs. "c'mon do it! you know it will make him happy!" Obviously I lost the battle, otherwise there would be nothing to confess. On the other hand I feel good about it (sorry), but I'm also soooo disappointed in myself!! I mean I should have the very LEAST made it a whole week! He answered that he's been faking that everything's fine but that he's actually miserable and at times when he's alone he totally falls apart. Whoa, a huuuuge guilt trip for me but also.. and I'm shamed to admit it, but it feels really nice that I could be that important for someone. I let him vent, he said there's been so many things he had wanted to tell me, and we talked, and it made him happy! I love making him happy..

Ugh.. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. I know I'm soooo not in the clear yet, my bargaining brain told me that maybe if I just stick with it, and stay his friend for like the next 5 years.. well, maybe he will change his mind later. Or maybe his marriage will break one day in the future, and I should just wait for it? I know it's stupid, I KNOW I know it's not accepting the facts, and it would be so wrong for me to be his friend while still having these false hopes. Then again, maybe I can deal with the jealousy if I can just think that maybe in a year, or two, or ten.. Sigh!