Session today.

I went in feeling reaaaaallllllly anxious. The last session was unbelievably hard, and then over the weekend I sent him an e-mail about sex. I told him that while i was driving there, instead of feeling like I was driving to my safe spot, I felt like I was driving to a torture chamber.

We didn't talk about the sex e-mail AT ALL. I'm not sure why. I got lost in childhood stuff again, which is what happens right now when it's quiet in there. It's like a slideshow going through my head, image after image after image. It's overwhelming. And my mom is apparently trying to sober up (for the 7495749205872th time), and that is weirdly triggering and makes the slide show even worse. I think we spent most of the session on that. It felt overwhelming and finally I told T I couldn't do it anymore and we backed off.

I kept wondering if he or I would bring up the e-mail, but neither of us did. Partly, it didn't make sense in the context of what was going on, and partly...how freakishly uncomfortable would it be to talk about that stuff in person?

at the end of session when he was sitting with me, I asked him "are there some things that are uncomfortable for you to talk about?" and he said that there are. He said some things are scary, or embarrassing, or too intimate and he feels kind of like a voyeur (?).
I left him a message and said that I didn't know why we didn't talk about it. If it was just too uncomfortable, or if the other stuff was pushing at me too much, or....? I told him he has to buck up and talk about it with me because I need to talk about it because it's big in my head when i'm alone and I need it to be smaller and more okay.

I said maybe we could start out sitting next to each other on the couch next time. I know HE is more open that way, and I think I am too...maybe because we're not just sitting there staring across the room at each other.

but I don't know, now I'm thinking that I'll sit in the therapy chair next time and have him sit on the couch. sometimes he will let me "play therapist". Maybe that would work.

Or maybe my teen part will come out and just let him have it.

I don't know. I don't know how I feel. i felt HORRIBLE after session - too much childhood flashback crap - but now I feel better. i took klonopin, that helps. and i'm kind of refocused on this thing. I'm probably using it to avoid the childhood stuff. Or maybe I DO need to talk about it. or maybe both.

confused, as usual!