Poseygurl,

Thanks so much for helping me with your thoughtful comments and experiences!

You've got so much in your replies that I'm just going to address them in general at first, ok?

Yes, that is my plan right now; that I will remain in my marriage for another 16 years. My youngest will be 18 then. During that time I will make every attempt to give my wife every opportunity to get the help she needs in order to return to the marriage as a loving partner. She'll be aware, as she is now, of my unhappiness, so that divorce papers will not be super suprising to her when they arrive. And even after their arrival, if she truly decides to work on the marriage at that point there will be hope. Knowing her personality she'll probably react with rage and blame as in "How dare he! He's unhappy with me!?!? How dare he! I'll show him!"

Basically, regarding my wife and her family, they're of the opinion that the remaining 6 billion of us on this planet should really be appreciative that they even bother with us. I've learned that that's a trademark of a person with ZERO self-esteem, and knowing my in-laws, that's definitely a "gift" they gave all their children.

My plan seems to shock people, but acknowledging that I'm not going to become a "week-end" dad to my kids, what choice do I have? For two years prior to beginning my physical affair with my best friend, I tried this "Marriage Builder's" approach to my unhappiness that I found in a book store that said, basically, "Look, if you both resent each other because of un-met needs, your resentment will destroy your marriage UNLESS one of you is willing to go to the other and say, "I'm sorry. It's evident I'm not meeting your needs. Please look inside your heart and tell me what I have to change so I can start doing that.""

Whether it's spoken or not, the goal is that once that spouse starts having their needs met, they'll begin, out of love of seeing you make the effort, to meet yours.

My wife said I had to give her more money and that I had to give her lots of "free" time away from chores and kids. (Of course, these wants igore the obvious conflict that men making the MOST money also tend to spend the MOST time away from home, but let's ignore that for now) Knowing my needs of affection and (sorry, but I'm a man!) physical intimacy (read: sex) she's always verbalized that that less stress lifestyle would allow her to be the loving (in ALL ways) type of wife I desired.

Ok, so I have a very good job for my area. And even work two other part time jobs that pay very well and really don't require alot of time away. My salary level is around $100,000. I get my kids up and ready for school and cook breakfast each day so she can sleep in. I get their lunches ready. I usually start a crock-pot dinner so she won't have to cook. I do homework and give baths at night. Then read bedtime stories and say prayers. On weekends I get up with the early riser kids so my wife can sleep in.

I tell you this for a few reasons . . . .one, to show I'm meeting the needs she named . . . two, to further demonstrate that my wife enjoys a very nice life (certainly not one to be angry/depressed over) and three, to also show my involvment in my children's lives . . . . .which I LOVE and relish doing and WON'T relegate to weekends.

Over these two years my wife has not reciprocated in trying to meet my needs. She's just as angry as ever (read:non-affectionate) so of course, our physical intimacy is rare. It doesn't require super-intelligence to realize that IT'S NOT ME! It's her and her demons from the past. Ones she refuses to deal with. It's just easier to complain to your husband that you don't have enough money. Money is her drug of choice. While it's not injected or drunk, you take it to a mall and there all your demons go away . . . . .for a little while.

Why is it so bad for a person dealing with this at home to seek solace with understanding people? And friendships usually develop from there. (Heck, Poseygurl, I'm kinda doing that with you right now!)

You (and everyone) are absolutely right in that to allow those friendships to turn sexual is an incredible breech of trust and I've committed a horrible wrong against God and my wife. Personally I feel that would not have happened had my friend not pushed for it. I did not. But I did go willingly along, and every attempt in the early stages to stops were counter-acted by her guarantees of love for me. Her offers of affection and love became my drug of choice for about six months.

And it just seemed logical that with the emotions behind the love-making, that when the love-making stopped, those emotions would allow for a very strong friendship to continue. That's what I wanted and what we had for about a year, when , without warning, she stopped that too.

Her actions, seemingly so in contrast to words we said over the last two years, have wrecked my world, largely because of that contrast. As you referred to in an earlier post about your male friend, how could she (he in your case) act as if none of this had happened? How could she know she said those words of tenderness, love and friendship and now yank them away without warning? It just doesn't seem like it should be possible from anyone with a soul, other than the soul of a Nazi! And she wasn't a Nazi.

It just makes my head spin.

Pain makes it hard to learn lessons, but I'm slowly picking up on some. 1 - My friends should be male (as shallow as we are as a gender makes this tough, though!)

2 -I must be willingly to end any friendship with a woman the instant it looks like it could become sexual (easier said then done . . . .and in some regrads this may mean the friendship SHOULD NEVER BEGIN!)

Being out of high school for some time now, I can only be intimate with a woman I love, and that requires ALOT of emotion on my part. To have the object of that emotion hurt you is the most painful thing in the world . . . .I realize that with my wife and now with my friend.

I'll look for that book.

Thanks,

MMF