Bitterdregs,

I was driving to work today thinking about your question. I was thinking my answer could not possibly be that I 'consciously' created an alter.

But then when walking after work and time for the question to go through my alters, I came up with this answer.

What if Bitterdregs is at the beginning of addressing her alters? What if she just needs someone to come alongside and say everything is going to be okay. Perhaps I am particularly sensitive to the pain of this due to the fact that this is the month that I came to know that my alters were really true. It was a devastating realization and I needed to find ways for my mind to accept such a diagnosis so many long years ago. I even went to my current psychologist to have him dispell this diagnosis. It was not to be and I just remember the confusion, the devastation, the disbelief, the anxiety, etc. Literally, years went by as I tried to grasp, self-soothe, take quiet times as though they were a pill and spent time figuring out what the heck had happened.

But, having said this, two things have come up for me through this thread.

One is, perhaps Bitterdregs need my compassion (despite the wording of her post) and my fellow sojourners that I have heard tried to explain things in this thread need my gratitude and admiration for again, stepping out and being brave enough to respond. I am particularly thinking of Amanda Louise and how thorough a response she gave and Elysium for her amazing ability to stand for all of us sufferers and now what I like to call 'winners' as we know how amazing we are to have survived and even thrived.

Secondly, I would like to address my curiousity around DancingAlone's proposition. For me, just before the summer I had a really loud and aggressive alter (looked much like my mom when she was drunk and used to yell). The alter came in response to a face we had all seen in a DVD of ourselves and in response to some other stuff around watching the DVD. I think she (the mom alter) may have derealization and depersonalization but I have not presented this to my therapist yet. If she does not have it, it may be the alter who was in therapy just prior to this mom alter. She was somone between the agest of 20 to 30 (someone here used to call them sliders (thanks Zorah). I wish I knew which alter it was. I don't know yet. I will be addressing it in my therapy, hopefully this set of sessions. Another thought occurred to me, in that if you were to talk to my little parts they probably would say the consciously remember being started (birthed or present) then stopping. Maybe the better focus for me is when they got 'stuck' at that age and why rather than when they began.

There is another possibility, that is if there is additional current trauma, would I observe the splitting? Would I call it: "being consciously creating?" I would think I wouldn't call it that now just because I know it relates so much to my early abuse and neglect and it may be better called "re-triggered". I'll check with my therapists too.

Oh my goodness, I can't imagine anyone wanting this diagnosis and tears well up in my eyes as I type this. We need to work together folks despite our mental illness.

To dear Elysium , I thank you for responding right in the middle of your own move and stuff.

Do take care all. Let's get along 'cause other than your various T's and counsellors we are all we have as yet. I am so sad when I realize that there will always be new people learning of their past abuse/s and I realize too that I am in process. I started out with a PTSD diagnosis. Our minds will only let us receive so much dx at a time. It is understandable. But, again I want to thank the 'brave ones' who show us the need for and ask for clarification.

I am trying to engender some interest in 'a safe get-together' of all of us, of sorts, but it seems at times soooo far off as yet.

Love to you all,
Hunny