so, I called my T last night when I was in full-blown freak out mode. And then she called me this morning when I couldn't talk to I let it go to voice mail. Then I called HER back and got her voicemail, then she called me AGAIN and I couldn't talk. Finally, finally I was able to talk to her this evening.

I had told her a little bit about what was going on in my various messages, but I filled her in when we finally spoke. I just wanted to post about it because the conversation felt SO GOOD. My T is really, really good at the validation and cheerleading thing.

I think part of what felt so good about it is I was able to tell her how I got through the hard moments on my own. Part of me is afraid to do that because I don't want her to think I don't need her anymore and kick me out of therapy or something. But she is so damn good at being impressed and validating and reinforcing those little accomplishments of mine.

I guess I just really felt, feel, so supported and trusted by T. I'm having a hard time putting this into words, but...by trusted I guess I mean, she believes in me. Both believes me and believes IN me, actually. I haven't had a lot of either in my life. It feels so good. It makes me realize how important it is for me to act that same way with my kids, so they don't have to hope to find a random stranger to fill that hole in them later in life.

I borrowed ( ) Sannah's analogy of life's little roadblocks and told T that I realized it's not the fact the roadblocks or speedbumps are there that matters, it's how I deal with them that's important. She loved that.

At the end T said "here's what I'm going to tell you" and my stomach went . She said, "you're doing exactly what you need to do, and you're doing it beautifully. Just keep doing it."

I told her, thank you, and I said "I kind of freaked out for a second when you said that, I thought oh no, what's she going to tell me? another speedbump!" and she laughed. I think I thought she was going to take that opportunity to tell me she's referring me out or quitting her practice and moving to Bali or something else horrible and devastating, lol. It's amazing how many stories my mind can make up in a split second.

sorry this is so long

forgot this part: I told her how my van broke down and that was pretty much my nightmare, being stuck alone in the dark outside. T knows I don't have the same belief system that she has, but she said "I DO believe in god or a higher power, and I think maybe that was the universe's way of forcing you to pause and experience the moment. You were probably in a big rush to get out of there and get home, and the universe wanted you to stop and really experience the moment you were in."