Thanks rhiannon. It would make me feel better if the invite came from her personally but this is a surprise shower she has no idea it is happening or who is invited. I'm not sure I would have received one if she was giving it for herself. Been pondering it and she probably would get offended if I don't go. I mean she may not like me or really want me there but to just blow off her baby shower does seem a bit rude. I've been looking at gift ideas and have that. That's the easy part. I don't know if we will ever be able to make amends and I know at least at the start I will be so very uncomfortable and anxious(anxious for more reasons than just the shower the anxiety issue is a whole other thread) I know I felt bad when she didn't come to mine. I can only assume she would feel the same way. I think I'm going to have to find a way to the venue. Oy that's a whole other thread too. Lol.
Thank you all for your insights. I have to get my head together and pull this off somehow.
And after the shower I can only hope things between us improve. It is quite draining to try and try and yet nothing. I don't want to end up being all stalker like(lol sorry amused myself) so I will have to just let things go at some point.