On monday had an intense session where feelings of abandoment were named, felt, cried over, raged over, and I saw where these feelings have haunted me my entire life, accept like I said in a previous reply to someone, I didnt know what they were, they were just there, like baggage hanging on my shoulder, suddenly they were mine, it was my life, my story, my reality. So I woke yesterday and just couldn't face going to work, having to deal with customers and these emotions was more than I felt I could juggle and I took of to the coast and sat on a bench and continued frantically emailing T, I could see myself doing it, but coudlnt stop, I was going between getting comfort from her, to telling her to stop messing with my head and go away!

She continued to reply and I said "Look, your just not going to get it right no matter what you say or do" and she replied "Yes that might be true but I can try", that was so soothing, the fact that she was going to stick with it and try, what a statement, then I replied later a bit more calmer can't even remember what exactly but ended with, "get me out of this nightmare" and she replied that I was feeling the feelings that never got intergrated as a young baby and now protesting, something I couldnt ever do as a baby nor child",.

"Protesting", I realised that was what all the frantic emailing was actually about and my insides stopped and the here and now returned. She was right, she said this is important to remember this happened in the past, its about the past, that my wanting to control her totally was because I had to fight for crumbs growing up and the fear of abandoment again means trying to hold on tight to people today, but its people in the past this happened with.

I kept thinking about the "intergrate the feelings" statement, I feel like I've this part of me that isn't inside of me but sticks out on my hip and as i go through life it keeps bumping into things, but because I'm not completely aware of it as being part of me, my distress, my rage, my saddness about the past, I dont move out the way and help it, I just keep smashing into life with it hoping for a different result, but talking to T and having her place all of this is the different result, makes me stop, take a look down at my hip and see this thing thats projecting out of me and bit by bit reclaiming it.

I felt exhausted after yesterday, proberbly all the re-experiencing that went on, and I awoke this morning like I had a hang over, almost like I'd been drunk the day before and trying to remember what went on and was it me?