So, here I am with T in a "new stage" of therapy.

I know things happen when they happen in therapy for a reason, and the push of October is finally bringing up the stuff I've not only never talked about, but I've never even kind of CONSIDERED talking about. Stuff that I thought I could just keep tucked away.

I guess (for me) healing doesn't happen that way. I don't get to pick and choose. I can't heal this trauma and not that trauma, and come out on the other side whole and integrated.

I have done enough trauma work with T for me to start clearly seeing my patterns now. I already know that I tend to want to create ruptures with T in the middle of trauma stuff - not on purpose, but in kind of an unconscious way - to give me something to focus on besides the trauma stuff. Now that I'm aware of that pattern, I try really hard to not do it.

Today, T left me a message and in the message, I felt like he was keeping me at arm's length, and just sort of saying "therapist stuff" - not really talking to *me*. And I realized that the other times we've done hard core trauma YUCK stuff, I've felt like T was keeping me at a distance. Like he doesn't care about me anymore, like he wishes I would go away, like he feels impatient with how hard this is for me. And BETWEEN the trauma stuff I don't feel like that at all. So. Maybe T ISN'T keeping me at a distance. Maybe he DOESN'T wish i would go away. maybe this is just MY OWN REACTION to working on trauma stuff.

At least I hope that's true.

I see him again TOMORROW. This is stupidly hard.