I saw my new psych doc this morning and one of the first things she asks me, after looking at my BMI that the nurse calculated (below 19) is "Do you have or have you ever had an eating disorder?" Funny thing you should mention that, I said. I told her that I seemed to be at the start of one. She said she worked in a clinic for eating disorders and that I'm right on the borderline between being underweight and anorexic. If I go under 100 pounds, chances are my new goal will be 95, then 90. I think she's right. I'm scared I will lose control by trying to be in control of my diet and exercise.

She's a very nice person and I'm glad she's my new pdoc. I came right home and drank a protein shake high in calories. But then I was too full to eat lunch, which I'll eat anyway shortly. I'm forcing myself to eat and trying not to feel bad about gaining a pound or two. I told her my ideal weight would be 115. But really that seems fat to me now. Don't know how I'll ever get back up there with my current mindset and meds induced lack of appetite.

I have therapy at 3 and we will discuss the probable roots of why I've kicked into this thinness cycle.

I wonder if anyone else has had this feeling of housing two brains in one head. My logic says to lose more weight would get bad attention and pressure to force me to eat more. My other brain region says, "You could afford to lose a couple pounds. Look at that fat on your tummy." Or, "You shouldn't have eaten that cookie. Now I'm going to make you exercise more." Doc says I should either eat more calories or suspend my exercise...neither of which I want to do. Somebody tell me I'm too skinny. I'll believe it if enough people tell me so. So far it's been my mom, my partner, and 2 doctors. I was 101.8 this morning, 105 in the dr's office with clothes on and after breakfast.