Well, I've posted on here about what I now believe is an abusive marriage/relationship. Except I've had to think whether it was abusive or not - I finally know that it is.

I spoke to two old friends by phone tonight: both reminded me of what a good, strong person I am and was - one of the friends had known me since I was small.

The one who knew me a long time told me I also don't have anything to apologize for to anybody, considering my life, what I've had to put up with, and how well (quoting him) I have handled it most of the time.

When I got married, so much of "me" went away. But these friends reminded me that "me" is still inside there someplace.

After talking to them and staying in another place, away from communication with my husband (for tonight), I feel much stronger and better - my anxiety has really gone down.

Tomorrow I have a joint marital therapy session - I was so nervous about it before, but now I think I'm ready. I even told myself I would be ok - even if the therapist sides just with my husband (and I think that might not happen anyway).

So wish me luck with that session - I am not sure yet what I'm ready for - ready to do - but we'll just see how the session goes. At least I'm strong enough to go to it and get through it.