I am:
lost
disoriented
confused
sad
exasperated
tired
sick
scarred
stuck
weak

This post is going to be extremely stream-of-consciousness because i don't give a crap right now.

Today in my archery class I didn't wear an arm guard (used to protect your forearm from the snap of the string when you let the arrow fly). I hadn't been using one in class for a couple of weeks because I didn't like the feel of it, didn't feel natural or whatever, and it's not absolutely necessary, and previously that hadn't been a problem for me. Today, however, perhaps something about my stance was different, because the string hit my forearm again and again on each round up to the line. I didn't even really notice the pain; I mean yeah it hurt, but I had a lot of other things on my mind so the pain just kind of slipped away. Now I have the biggest, gnarliest bruise on my inner forearm. It's like four different colors.

I told one of my best friends about what's been going on in my head lately (she doesn't know that I've done SI). She seemed genuinely concerned which I appreciated. It was weird because I never really talk to my friends about this kind of thing, but she really listened and said some nice and encouraging things. She saw the bruise on my arm and I told her it was from archery. She twisted this into talking about cutting and was all "But you shouldn't resort to that... huh, I wonder if that's why people hurt themselves..." I just didn't say anything because... well she doesn't know so why bother concerning her with that? She's made comments like that in the past. I think she might know that it's a sensitive topic with me without knowing explicitly what or why.

I hung out with my trigger at school today. her instability causes me such anxiety. it was really okay for most of the day but as the day progressed she got worse and worse and i wish i could tell her that or tell her that we're both broken but there's no real way to say that without sending us both into a bad place. and i feel terrible identifying her as a trigger, because she is such a good friend and someone that i'd like to hang out with but it does things to me that i don't like.

after all this i did bounce back, and i was feeling pretty good on my walk home from school. then as i was crossing a street with my headphones in, some jerkoff honked his car horn at me to get my attention. he made me pull my headphones off and stand there like an idiot while he took way too long to ask if i had "two bucks for gas money."
"No, sorry, I don't have any cash."
"Just two bucks."
"No, sorry, I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH."
Then he scoffed, like it was MY fault that I don't have cash in my wallet, and drove away. Also, good call idiot, honking at people is obviously the best way to get what you want. Even if i had had two dollars with me i would have lied because you're a piece of crap.
I don't know why this stupid altercation really set me off but dammit it was NOT what i needed today.

i gave in to temptation again tonight. maybe tomorrow will be better.