For me, I found that I needed to have a base of strength somewhere else. For me, that was after my first child was born. That somehow started to give me the base that I needed. However, my marriage destroyed a lot of my own personal strength (AGAIN!!). Now I am finding it again by working on increasing my feeling of personal competence -- that is, by giving myself honest credit for the things I can do, and by understanding that I can in fact do things, and take care of myself.

I also find that it helps to remind myself that my narcissistic mother has the emotional maturity of a two-year-old. If I think of her as a child, I can think of her with a lot more compassion, and also without automatically giving her the power to hurt me so profoundly.

You do not need to accept your role in the family system. That is their perception of you. You do not need to let it be your perception of you. You have your own story about you, your own understanding of you. Since they don't, and can't, really know you, there is no need for you to accept their story about you. (And that includes trying to get them to reject their story about you, because they're likely very narcissistically invested in that story, and they won't give it up.)

I am 56, and my mother is 90, and, if my experience is any guide, I feel I can say with some confidence that your parents will not ever take any responsibility for the way their behavior affected you.

Sorry if this is harsh.

Good luck.

-Far