wonders why she responded after he said the first rude thing.....

told him to take a cold shower....

maybe that encouraged him?
the i said im old enought to be your mother go out and have some fun instead

i guess i was trying to be adult......

was i though?

or did i encuorage him?

why didint i just not reply......

i cant not reply ...

its rude ..

how strange is that - i cant not reply cos its bad manners but hes being rude to me - well saying rude things...

why did i reply?

maybe im sick and want to hear those things..

they made me afraid inside ..

like he could find me....

how dumb is thatr

its the internet for crying out loud.....

the today - someon says hi adn sends a website and my firewall leaps up and says BAD SITE DONT GO THERE - or words to that effect....

why did i even click on the website? what kind of an idiot am i ? have i gone from trusting no-one to being a trusting fool?

Im confused...i dont know who i am anymore...

ive let the anger out

but the fear is stil there...

how do i let the fear out?

by being brave?

I have put mysefl in harms way to show myself i am not scared and been ok - done ok - but im still afraid....

and im doing stupid things -

as i get one back in control antoher crops up...
but im ok

im managing ...

liethe swan - peole at work see me glidign like nothing bothers me

and lie the swan - under the water im madly paddling to stay afloat lol

I guess im just rambling and not making a lot of sense...breaks over - better go