You want to want to live because you remember a time in your life when that was actually the case and you want that feeling back again. You want to be yourself again.

The most important thing is don't forget who you are. You know yourself better than any professional. I know it might seem like you've completely lost yourself, but I personally find that if I just let go of trying so hard to be normal again and stop being so judgmental of who I have become, I come back. Strange isn't it? But if you think about it, when you felt happy and normal in the past, were you putting great effort into feeling that way? Probably not. Most people dont, and if they did, living would be an endless chore, which is how it probably is for you.

Its scary trying to let go of a mental state, but I don't think you have a choice. You've got to give yourself some time, and space. You probably haven't given yourself a break in a long time. You aren't the enemy, okay?

Killing yourself wont help anything. Imagine if you had killed yourself nine years ago. Imagine all that time that you would not have existed. You could cut all connections to your brother and let him assume you have changed your identity and left to live elsewhere, but that isn't what you want to do either. Nobody wants to live a life of solitude- Even your brother desperately craves your presence on this planet, you and he were thrust into this world together, you've known each other's lives from the start. Without you, he will forever walk alone, wondering why he is here at all. I sometimes wonder why my own consciousness was not in my brother's body when he died at the age of 6. Somebody had to experience that, and it seems so odd that I just happened to be me instead. We are all stuck on the same rock, and it isn't perfect, but it's what we have. We are too brilliant for our own good, that is your only problem. The sky and the oceans and the land will not comfort us like it does the other creatures, all we have is each other. If you die that is the existence you lead. But if you take this as a lesson and come to the conclusion that questions of "to be" or "not to be" best be left to the philosophers or god (if you choose to believe in one) then maybe, just maybe, your life can be tolerable, or even good. Because I'll tell you what, it may seem like we have to think about this ****, but we just weren't built for it- its just a sad case of evolution stumbling onto the ability to think about questions it didn't know existed.

Hope that leaves you