self-doubts are rampant tonight, almost to the point of self-hate. so many times over this long, wiery life, was told how worthless i am. it's not a surprise i learned to hide. it's just a cruel bonus to suffer from along with the physical abuse.

a trigger response to the ones who laughed and push me away, this face i put on says i'm brave, and i stay. but the smile i put on this face, if the pain reaches too deep, lips quivers and threaten to collapse into tears. so i hide, don't dare let them know that i agree with them and just stay in this skin, somewhere, hidden and scared, somewhere within.

ironically, i'm hiding behind humor right now. devil-may-care, impish, playful, but knowing it will eventually flip over into the dark side, the abyss awaits. so i hide. it would be heaven to have a day where the light shines above, and the laughter that escapes out is free. but i'm too scared to even laugh, to bring on that familiar feeling of being ridiculed for doing it. every time something good has come my way, there's always been someone to try and take it away. so i learned not to expect much, to not aim too high, because the fall would break me, i would want to just lie there and die.

alone so many years now, it's survival to hide. can't get close, can't trust, can't even know why, i've held all this in, it's too much to bear, so why can't i say, begone, let me live without fear!

it's not going away, have i just hit a bump in the road? without dps i just can't have any hope. her incredible support chats are slowly beginning to allow me to see, that what was once hidden, i can face and maybe be free?

i just don't know tonight. it's all too much to handle right now. found out my former client is in MICU now, waiting to die, and my new one sabotages me to get me to leave. last night she continuously tricked me, oh i wanted to leave! and it's not my paranoia, the case worker knows and agrees.

i'm trying so hard to stay strong, to live through each day, i know it's up to me to do this, to heal and also somehow to get through the pain. can i be allowed tonight to have doubts and feel "small"?

anyway, thank you for listening to this rambling ole gal, i've faced worse and survived, maybe just forgot how. but i'm hovering and running and fear facing what's within. i'll stop now, just needed to reach out, never done that before coming here, am so scared, but i feel safe here somehow. and my biggest fear? that's easy, that some day *i* will just finally "slip away"