I have had a very difficult time finally getting into treatment with a new facility for my psychiatrist. A brief outline:

Early in the calendar year, I inquired with several facilities near where I work for a psychiatrist because I moved from the north part of one state to another state in the south. I stayed at the same job, so I wanted to find something near work because I had a hard time finding something near where I live because my insurance only covers the state where i work not where I live.

I was told I needed to be established in their system with a PCP, so I made the first available appointment (August), but needed refills for my meds before the end of April. I drove 2 hours each way for a 15 minute appointment with my old doctor to get refills that would last through end of August.

After seeing my PCP, I called the psychiatry group and was told I needed to be pre-screened by their director before seeking treatment. After 2-3 days of phone tag, I was determined to qualify for treatment, but needed my old psychiatrist to call the new group. My old psychiatrist was on vacation, but I left a message. I followed up after a week or so to find out he didn't call and that the new group could do nothing without this 2 minute call from my old doctor to verify I was in treatment. I called my old doctor again and called the new group for options. After I requested they make an accommodation as this process has already taken more time than I could accommodate with my current medication, I was told I could schedule an appointment, but that appointments were being booked 4-6 weeks out.

I called the person who does the scheduling only to find out she was not in the office and had to wait an extra 2 days to schedule my appointment. Fortunately after I talked with her, she was able to get me in for today. Unfortunately because of all of this and the uncertainty of how to get my primary anti-depressant to last, i ran out last week at the end of the week.

I had a horrible altercation with my father on Sunday after I ran out of medication, which exacerbated my decline. I had to stand up to him for emotionally abusing my 10 year old and the 36 years of emotional abuse I lived through took over and I actually shoved him (a 67 year old man which I am not proud of) It all happened at a large fair and I yelled and swore in front of my 10 year old and 3 year old. I removed myself from the situation by leaving my kids with my mother, who was the only other responsible adult there and sat outside the car waiting to get a ride back (we took one car and I didn't even have keys to get in to wait, so i sat on the ground).

My work is stressful and my ability to compensate is non-existent. The internal "customers" I deal with are emotionally abusive and are causing me extreme anxiety and anger in the same way my father causes me anger. I am afraid I could hurt someone emotionally or physically and also just poorly represent myself and my department if I go into work like this. I therefore called out yesterday even though I was to attend a very important meeting. I am calling out sick today and will see my doctor. I am suffering from paranoia and fear that because I am out for a mental health illness it will be a negative part of my review and/or be treated as a problem. If I broke my leg i wouldn't be worried, but I do not know if there are protections for those who are medically mentally ill. I have emailed my calling out sick documenting that it is a result of a gap in medical treatment. I am concerned that it will take some time for the medication to hit my system again and with personal complications going to work may become toxic for a little while.

I am not ashamed of the depression that incapacitates me since it is not my fault, but rather a fault of my genes & DNA that need treatment. Once I am back to a level that is functional, I can take responsibility for my treatment, but right now, I am just afraid I will be punished for something that is medical that would cause the same loss in work as if I had ruptured my appendix.

Is this paranoia or at least are there resources I can draw upon to alleviate my paranoia a little. Are there any resources that I can use to help alleviate my fear that this episode will be used against me as a "character weakness".