It's not the being pulled under it's the fact that I willingly jump in under the water and go the the deepest depths to push the worst ones to the surface. My sense of accomplishment never reaching me and warming me in the frigid depths. I like it down there. Alone but surrounded by people like me. people hurting and who are damaged.
I have healthy people in my life but they distance themselves from me. I try to be close to them but its like they know who I am, What I am. and they pull back leaving me hanging in the wind. Hurt people like me, they love me, they surround me. Like a gang of misfits we are all close as my healthy people watch on and say nothing and do nothing to help. why should they help me? they never asked for my help and i saved them.
I know I'm rambling and it seems like I have no positive outlook but I do. I'm content with the drowning feeling, I'm content with helping and being alone. I just wish I could pull the healthy person into my life and make them stay and help me.