having all these feelings is being normal for an abuse survivor. Not one of my sexual abusers said I'm sorry, in fact they thought what they had done was perfectly normal not abusive and tried to blame me and then said I was imagining it when I went public and refused to recant. for me I don't have to hear I'm sorry from them because them saying Im sorry would have been for themselves not me. for the looks of it or their reputation or to show others that even though they did nothing wrong I'll give her what she wants to hear kind of thing. and you know there is not law that says you HAVE to forgive an abuser. I look at the word forgiveness not as in forgiving THEM but as in forgiving myself and my body for how it reacted during the abuse. My body reacted the way it did because its normal to react that way. I wished an abuser dead and that was normal for me to wish that during the last attact he made 2 weeks before his death and other thoughts. Once I forgave myself for these things I was able to work on other things. a couple relative wanted me to "Just say your sorry and then things will get back to normal" I told them I don't like normal for that was how things were when I was being abused. I like things like they are right now because the abuse has stopped and I have nothing to be sorry for. Yea I went public but I also tried moving to other towns, citys and states and was followed and abused. I went into shelters I was found and abused, I entered therapy I was abused. I went public the abuse stopped me sorry? not by a long shot. I even had a friend who used my not forgiving my abuser against me. We had a 7 yr friendship when she got divorced and entered the drugs and alcohol scene. It affected my son big time which affected me so I cut off contact with her, her last call to me was to say she was sorry and asked me to forgive her (but yet her call came under the influence of drugs and alcohol) and I told her as long as alcohol and drugs were a part of her life my son and I would not be. She then said do you really want to go there? You didnt forgive your step father and didnt say your sorry for going public for years and it killed him, do you really want to live with the fact that you didn't forgive me if I died tonight? You weren't a good daughter then and you aren't being a good friend now" My reaction - I hung up on her. and here it is 7 years later and drugs and alcohol are still apart of her life and my son and I are not. and Im wondering off the topic so Im going to stop tying here.