Turns out I can't.

Which makes me tear up a little (just a little, don't worry). I really thought I could do it. Really hoped, because in many other ways, it's the ideal shift: night owl, the far less stress, no sun, barely having to interact with people (which virtually every job I'm qualified has required in abundance, the public no less.).

But oh how it is messing with my brain. The sleep probably being the biggest factor. I never feel rested no matter how much I sleep. Even days off I'm so blah I just don't give a flip and can't get anything done. So everything's piling up, increasing the stress level, causing mental overload and immobilization in that viscious circle way. More often than not, I don't even have the wherewithal to post/respond her (please know that I am thinking of you all though, want to respond, but just can't seem to). There are brief periods of being buzzy, vibrating and damned annoying, like...very short-lived manic bursts. Or swearing and very pissy getting ready for work, when I can't even seem to get clothes on right. There are brief, very brief, spells of almost normal (post then). Oh yeah, and the words. Not being able to find them and mixing them up badly resulting in weird speech. May not seem like much, but language skill is something I've always taken a degree of pride in. It's frustrating and chipping away at what little self esteem there was to start. Also, I have to stand by a loud machine all night. May seem just annoying, but in fact, it makes me hear things, like indistinct voices talking behind me and radio sounds. Even knowing they're not real, they sound so real that they make me jump and turn around. Not cool. Though I can reason that out sometimes, sometimes it's just too real.

Having spent so much of the last few years in severe depression and mixed, being a serious danger to myself, it's hard for me to recognize depression that comes short of being on the brink. If it's not unrelenting and all-consuming, but bouncing around, it's easier to deny in the upper parts of the bounces. Still, they're almost without exception, below the balanced zone.

Can't help but think there probably was a time where I might've been able to do it, but that the BP went untreated for so many years that there's just too much cumulative damage done. (It's not the only thing that has indicated this.)

So, long and short, I requested day shifts. The boss is working on switching the schedule around to accomodate this. Thank goodness, because I really really can't lose this job. (I just said, "It's messing with my brain more than I thought it would". Which is fine, because "normals" often have that too. Wasn't about to mention the voices. )