((((DancingAlone))))

Thank you for posting and for reaching out. Sometimes when we feel so low it is hardest to reach out but that is when we need to reach out the most. I say that because I usually do not want to go to see my t on therapy days and it's when I do not want to go that I need to be there the most and it usually helps. So I hope that you getting this out there helped to relieve some of those feelings you feel.

I know that feeling of self-hate that seems to come in so many times and take over. The feeling that I am not worth anyone's time and those old tapes and messages start to play all over again and sometimes they play louder than others. But they are not true and you do deserve to be heard and cared for. So many times that feels so false as it is so foreign to us all and it is hard to go there.

Hiding is something we all learned to do to keep everyone from knowing that anything was wrong. For so many of us we were told that nothing was wrong, it was in our minds, or it was just a bad dream. Truth is it was not a bad dream and in order to keep going we hid so that we could somehow fit in outside as we could not fit in inside, trying so hard to keep the peace that so many times never really came.

Self doubts make sense as we learned well to self doubt our own sense of being and had no choices to make any decisions other than the ones that allowed us to stay alive or keep going. Self doubts as even now sometimes comes as if this is even true--did it ever happen. For us we were told we dreamed it or that it was normal so our own thoughts never seemed to be anything we needed to pay attention to for somehow they were wrong.

If we smiled no one knew and no one got in trouble or at least at that moment. A smile kept everyone at bay, kept what we were hiding a secret. Kept us safe at least for another moment. Why would we not think that if something good came it would go away. It always did at least in that time. To us good was a fairy tale that only happened in books. Good was something you got in payment for something they wanted. The good was too high a price to pay.

Each day we live and reach we take back another piece that was never theirs to take in the first place. Each day we live we become stronger than the day before. We are suvivers walking to healing and though it is so hard, we will live through the memories as they cannot kill us for we already lived through the event.

Yes, you can be little and give to yourself that comfort and understanding you never had then. Keep reaching out and know that you are not alone. Know that you are being heard and that you are cared for and loved. Thank you for being brave to write and let out what you need to. It is important how you feel and you are not alone.

Not sure any of this makes sense as I feel I am writing from someplace above, almost reaching down and thoughts seem to be not only my own. So will stop writing for now. We do understand what you are saying maybe more tonight than we want to admit. Thank you for posting. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Love you. Always.

dps