{{{{{{DE}}}}}}}}}}}}

You know, you are right about life being so short, but I'm not living. I can't remember the last time I went for a walk, or noticed the leaves changing color, or even watched the sunset. Kind of sad, isn't it?

I have already harmed myself so badly - I always have to be careful so Alex doesn't see them. I'll never be able to wear shorts again. I take my knife with me to work, everywhere. I do try really hard not to do it, but it is my outlet and a way of punishing myself at the same time.

Tonight at work I tried so hard to relax amidst the chaos and not stress out. It didn't work. Didn't even get to eat dinner and was there till 1am.

I have made another plan - I am so tired of this. I see my back surgeon next week and I know a 4th surgery is coming. One more time of going thru it and being scared to death of it.......is it really worth it?? Plus only allowing myself 4 days to recover, or I lose my job. I can't have them NOT pay me.

Then I discovered my insurance rates are going up......and my deductables. I can't afford the medical/vision/dental now - after the first of the year it will be worse. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I just want to scream.

xoxox