Hello Community.

I come here with no where else to turn. I have seen many therapists and not much has helped. Perhaps someone could shed some light on this for me.

OCD started when I was 15. I am now 23. My main fear (consequence) following an obsession is this: spontaneous ejaculation. Allow me to elaborate.

Most sufferers of OCD have issues with "if i don't do/do this, *blank* will happen." We all know this, but I have always felt mine is different. When I was 15 I was playing guitar and had a mental fart..."What if I came while playing guitar?" Now, most people would probably ignore it or even laugh, but it really bothered me. It has since damaged my love for music over the years, constantly fearing that I will ejaculate while playing guitar or even listening to music. The worry grew into physical groin sensations. Not arousal really (which confused my therapists), but more of an uncomfortable tingle I suppose. As if I didn't need an erection, it was just going to come out.

At 23 it has come and gone with varying degrees of severity. I attribute this to varying levels of anxiety in my life. However, it really infects literally everything I do now. It was music, now it's at work, my other hobbies, EVERYTHING. What doesn't help is that I am a binge-drinking alcoholic and I used to cover it up that way. I can not longer do that as I have decided to get sober because I knew the consequences were too great if I didn't.

As I type this, I have 4 months sober with the help of AA. I can't block these feelings out with alcohol anymore, but want SO bad just to enjoy the basic things in life. Music, movies, art, etc... without these intrusive thoughts about ejaculating. It's like sex merged with the rest of life and it's one big ball of confusion and frustration. (No history of sexual abuse btw)

My OCD has manifested itself in many other ways, but I wanted to post the issue that most affects me in my day-to-day life. I also want to thank anyone who reads this in advance for taking the time to care. Please help me in anyway you can, thanks.