I am 49, married for 29 years, have a daughter who is 26 with a daughter of her own who is 5. My son is 23 and he and his wife currently live with us. I have been struggling with depression most of my life. I also have PTSD and a dissociative disorder. I see a therapist and have taken medication for many years. I haven't been very open in these forums because I guess I'm just not a trusting person and I am ordinarily a shy person. Once again this morning a nightmare woke me. This 3 or 4 in the morning stuff is getting to me.

I tried to go back to sleep but can't. So I thought I would get on here and share part of who I am with you, since I know it's not fair to you to not be doing so when all of you share your lives with me.

Right now I am recovering from an open lung biopsy and still on oxygen. I have a lot of pain in my back and side from the surgery. The doctor's say I have "boop". Only I could get something with such a silly name. I have had five episodes of acute respiratory distress syndrome in the past 3 years. The doctors don't know what is causing it or what my prognosis is. They just placed me on a high dose of steroids for the next 6 months. That is really discouraging because I have already gained quite a bit from being on steroids the previous times. They're leaving me on oxygen longer this time and that worries me. I hope it won't be permanently. I am starting back at pulmonary rehab this morning. It will be good to see everyone again but I get discouraged having to start all over. This takes so much out of me that I can't do much of anything without getting extremely tired. Any exertion and I get out of breath. There is nothing scarier to me than not being able to breath, having to be put on a ventilator, having to go through all of this again. And I believe in time it will happen again. Not being negative, just realistic.

My husband helps me out a lot. I know he's scared too. I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis. I'm really too young for all of this. All of my life I played sports. Those were my hobbies. And now I can't. I was going to teach my grandaughter everything. Ha. My own self-pity sounds like nothing but whining.

I was molested for over a year when I was 11 years old by a preacher for about a year. I blocked it out until several years ago. I was also sexually assaulted as an adult. I can't pretend anymore that this isn't part of who I am. I thought that I had dealt with it years ago. I've heard that it's not that uncommon for it to come back and it has. With a vengeance.

I'm tired of dealing with everything. My stress level is over the roof and to the point where I have to take tranquilizers all day now. The future looks pretty bleak to me right now. I don't know if I'll be here to watch my grandaughter grow up and she is the light of my life.

So, here I sit, thinking I'm going to be very sorry if I post this because it sounds like a whole lot of whining. What is so unfair is that over the past five years I have changed into a person that I can finally like. I can say "I'm a good person", and before I couldn't say that. I have attempted suicide in the past. That was a big mistake. Now, even in the worst of times, I know that I'm not willing to give up seeing that sparkle in my grandaughter's eyes. Now I treasure the small things that I paid little attention to before like simply sitting outside on a pretty day and breathing in the fresh air. Like sharing a laugh with Ozzie, my best friend. Most of all, I am so glad that I found all of you. The caring and the warmth that you show helps me more than you'll ever know. Thank you for sharing with me.