(((((((((((sugahorse)))))))))))

My life kind of unraveled in 2004, and although I managed to keep it together for a while, I slowly started coming apart, and started having lots of flashbacks about childhood traumas....so I started seeing T in 2007.

For me, talking to T feels different from talking to a friend. He's ENDLESSLY patient - it took me years to be able to trust him and he was just consistent and waited until I was ready. He's completely focused on me and my needs...when I am with him, his only goal is to help ME feel better. I am a big time caretaker, and learning to let someone take care of me was difficult, but now it feels really good. Knowing he is there, week after week, gives me a sense of security. No matter what's going on, I know that it won't be too long before I see T, and he will help me process it and figure it out.

It's true that we can't be "friends" outside of our therapeutic relationship. But I know for sure that he really does care about me. I used to work in the human services, and even though I couldn't be "friends" with my clients outside of work, I cared about them VERY much. I still think about some of them years later, and wonder how they're doing.

As for being depressed, lonely, needy, anxious....yes, I SO think therapy can help with those. When I started therapy, I was terrified - TERRIFIED - all the time. I felt completely unsafe in the world. When I was driving I thought people were following me, when i was in the store, I thought i was going to be attacked, I couldn't sleep at night if my H wasn't home, I lived in CONSTANT fear of losing track of my autistic son out in public...just a ton of fear and anxiety. When I sat down to meditate, I would be overwhelmed with flashbacks and panic. ALL of that is GONE now. GONE. I'm not nearly as lonely as I used to be, because I've learned to trust people a little more, and to let people in. I was completely walled off to everyone before, even H. I've taken some of the bricks out of the walls, and I haven't been hurt, and I'm much closer to people. I decided to start an anti-depressant about 6 months ago when I couldn't pull myself out of the sadness I was stuck in after so much trauma processing....and I'm really glad I did. It helped me feel better and kept me moving forward.

Therapy is HARD WORK. Sometimes, excruciatingly hard, and it really IS hard to tell if it's worth it, because the progress can feel soosooo slow. For me, it's really really really been worth it, and I'm glad I stuck it out through the 457295724092 times I considered quitting.

to you