Being boxed in and losing time isn't our only feelings we have any more.
We always feared big crowds and crowded highways, but now more than
ever, things seem more fake. We often wonder now if we just started
walking and never stopped until we get tired if things would feel better
to us. We like companionship with others that share our same feelings,
but sometimes being around others is too much for us to handle. We
feel stupid a lot with other people or very intelligent, but we know
they all think we are stupid just the same. We care less and less to
interact with other people including family. We don't tell them cause we
don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Maybe we should just walk away
and leave everything behind, we don't know yet. We have mood shifts but for each shift in mood ther is always a reason. The voices we live with
are very uncomfortable around people when they give us advice. We think
for the most part, others don't understand us. Our memory has been a
little better for the most part and most of our pain has subsided. It
was a shock to our family when we told them that we were always
depressed the other day. They didn't take it well. That's what we hate
so much, they all act like it's their fault or that we are acting
foolishly. We can never explain or say anything to help them understand
us. The past has started recycling in our thoughts again constantly.
For all that we once were and all that we have done for others, we now
understand that none of it matters. For all we know, others probably
think we take advantage of them. We wish we could just fade away. We
know we're being selfish cause others tell us that they care and maybe
they're doing their best to show us, but somehow it's being lost in us.
LJ, Spirit, and Little man thinks that we are just depressed but
Carolyn, Rage, and the Shrunken heads think we are doing the best we can do and we keep getting shot down by others. The voices in the background agree that we should walk away. We really aren't important to anyone, meaning nobody's life should change if we go away and the voices say that it really doesn't matter. We each feel the pieces of our heart shifting in the hopeless dark and maybe there's not really a way out for us.
We know that we have lost our family's respect because they don't
think we try hard enough for anything anymore. Everyone has an opinion
that tells us that we don't try hard enough anymore, but they don't see
us and they don't see the things we try to do. Maybe we are just
confused by the rules of the game. Maybe if everyone stopped believing
that we exist, we would just fade away like a dream. Whatever happens,
we know that we will continue to exist. Writing about it isn't making
anything better. So we'll just be quiet now. Sorry this is so long and
sorry if it bothers anyone. We just thought typing it would help.