the place: group therapy
the event: triggered by sound
the problem: i HATE sounds (that are made by humans to reach some primal feeling). these were gutteral sounds.
the problem tenfold: we ALL have to stand up and MAKE the sound. over and over and over.

the result: i stand like i'm participating. I watch the floor but not seeing. I grip my cup. I want to flee - every muscle in my body is ridgid to flee. T is in the room making us make the sounds. my former group t is there too. i want it to be known that i cannot BEAR this. I watched my friend (who is also there) in a different group/different task simply say "I can't do this!" and was ready to leave and GT modified the task for her.

actions: this wasn't about me or even about the group. this was about a person and the group supporting the person. i made myself stay. i was screaming in my head. i wanted benedict (in my bag) but someone had traded places with me and i couldn't get near my bag. The noise continued.

more actions: when we sat, i asked my friend to pass me my bag where i got my hands on benedict (the infameous PC armadillo). It took time. A LOT of time. But I got through. i remembered my breathing excercises. i did them. I was starting to feel like maybe, just maybe i might be ok.

the final straw: T will be gone next 2 weeks. GT was to be my back up. I am going thru a lot of **** right now- working on the shadow side/darkness i hide from me, flashbacks, memories... I had this planned as a safety net. I was set. We all know there's no group next week. But GT says she won't be here. *jog brain* at all? no. i was scheduled for a person who won't be here. straw tips scale.

now: no longer crying. no longer about to SI. no longer about to throw and break things. Am about to eat non-kiya approved foods. just in shock. i couldn't go to fear. i went to "i don't give a ****". it's either that or shock. i know i am not supposed to engage n black or white thinking. ... shock.