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I just feel worn out this morning.
I am so tired of carrying my troubles around.
I know people say to give them up to God.
It helps for awhile... but pretty soon I have to take them back again.
I feel like I'm in between - not really believing that I have debilitating depression but,
feeling like I will never be able to work. At least not until I'm 45 and I know enough to maybe tutor some kids. That would be nice.
It sounds super-crazy, but what would I give for my partner to tell me she'll support me.
If I just take care of our home; keep the cupboards stocked, bathroom & kitchen scrubbed with bleach, laundry clean,
and if I just keep taking care of myself and going to therapy...
Because it all feels hopeless.
I won't ever find work.
And if I do, it will make me want to...
well I won't go there. Basically, it will make life not really worth living.
I know this sounds crazy.
They tell me "just get a job"
your happiness, your freedom always comes second.
It's like my definition of work is a place where you have to ask to go to the bathroom. Can you believe it?
It makes me want to break out in hysterical laughter.
You have to ask to do something you can't even control.
And sometimes your manager says no... you have to wait.
I'm so sorry I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait, let me become a robot with no needs. There. Is that better?
And you get to use the bathroom whenever you want to?
At least you get to be human.
When do I get to be human too?
I want to laugh. Laugh until I pass out.
I get so triggered.
Work stole all of my mother's dreams from her.
Work stole all of my father's dreams from him.
They began as hopefull artists.
They ended up as alcoholics.
You'll never be free.
You'll never feel free.
You'll always carry things around.
Don't bother to think it will ever be different.
Because THIS is the way life is for you.
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