Hi everyone,

First I want to say thanks for listening to those that read this. I don't even know what to say right now, but feel that maybe posting about how i am doing may help some...idk???

So I have been having many discussions with myself about why I am so depressed and at the end of my rope. I think about the things that I have and am grateful for and everyday it becomes less and less.

I have been physically ill with a lot of pain since the 4th of this month and have been to my doc and in the ER and had many tests and nothing comes up. So I think they think am either drug seeking, or it's all in my head or both. I have turned down some of the pain meds because I don't want to be "out of it". I finally took a script for a different pain med and took 2 and it didn't help anything. Anyways that's a big stresser on me right now.

I have become so depressed, i have been in the psych ward 2 times this month and the last time i just said i was fine and get them to discharge me. They weren't doing anything for me and forgetting about my meds or telling me they already gave them to me.

Getting out of bed is so hard and going to bed is hard. I am afraid of sleep most times and getting out of bed is scary now too. I don't even feel like leaving my place and just want to curl up in a ball and hide forever. Now my dad and step-mom moved into the apt. building next door and so it might be more difficult to hide all this from them. I don't know why i don't tell them or anyone. I don't want people to worry or burden anyone. My family has been through enough with me. I don't want them to deal with that nymore and so the thought of giving up is so high up there right now. Then it would be less to deal with.

I am so done with doctors and my pdoc I see friday and want to tell him i am done. i have been trying to tell my t i am not coming back and I keep going back. WHY?

I have been going through some hallucinations and am having a real hard time dealing with lots of things that giving up just sounds so good. The flashbacks are bad and dreams are bad too.

I am at the end of my rope and feel like I have gone so far down hill there is no way up. I really don't know how I got here or how to get out of here. Right now I can only think of one way and it sounds so good to me.
I am sorry everyone for being so selfish and complaining. If you have talked to me in chat lately that's how I have been and am sorry.

I am so sorry this is so long. I feel like I haven't said anything in all the words that are on this page.

Thanks again
Jen