Quote:
Originally Posted by littlelindsay
As the title says I am so tired of life, if you can even call this a life. I'm fed up with being mentally ill and the symptoms that it brings with it. I don't think that I can stay alive for much longer. I only live for my brother but he has moved out to go to college and is shaping a life for himself. He doesn't need me any more. But I am just trying to fool myself: he does need me. If I were to kill myself it would shatter his life. I could talk to him first though, get him to understand. That's what i'm longing to do, to just tell him that I cannot do this any more.
I wish my brother would die and i'm tired of saying that. If he was dead I could kill myself and be free from all of this. To get through i'm going to have to self harm and overdose so badly. I am one week self harm free and the only thing that is stopping me from self harming is the fact that I have stitches. They are being taken out today and i'm worried that it will make me self harm again.
I also want to overdose. There is nothing stopping me from overdosing other than my fear of causing permenant damage to myself. I have a feeling that I will overdose soon. I try to hold in the urges so that I overdose only once a month but this time I don't think I can. I overdosed almost 2 weeks ago.
I'm sick of the dull daily routines, of having no close friends and no one to socialise with. Not that I could socialise properly, with my social anxiety. I will be working on my social anxiety with my psychologist but it's the waiting to get better that really gets to me. I'm not sure that I ever will get better.
Nights are so bad for me, when all of the professionals have gone home and i'm left with no one. I could phone the voluntary crisis team but they never know how to help, literally. I don't know how to get in touch with the official crisis team as it has just been newly formed. I don't want to HAVE to live life any more. I am being forced to live. I want to WANT to live but I don't see that happening. The best thing for me would be to die. I just have to convince my brother of that.
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Oh Littlelindsay, I feel your pain. I could have written your post myself because I feel the same way. I don't want to be here but I feel like I'll make life hard for my bf if I end my life. I feel he'd be better off with someone else. But for someone to lose a loved one to suicide i feel will really do them a lot of damage. They will always think they didn't do enough to make you want to live. I get mad sometimes that I have to be here to keep someone else from feeling pain. It sounds wrong and twisted but thats depression for you. People have turned away from me because of my depressed negative state and I feel alone, I'm estranged from my family, my so called friends. My bf loves me but i feel like i'm making his life miserable and i feel guilty about that. I also worry that if I did try to end things I would end up being brain damaged or something instead of dead, that does happen and it would probably happen to me. So here I am still trying to get through each day. I guess I'm not the best person to be talking to you but i wanted you to know that I know how much it hurts to feel lonely and depressed. You can always vent here so keep posting and know that your not alone others have been there and are still there and struggling to hang in there right along with you. Hugs and Prayers, Anjelmarie
