i feel like I deserve to feel pain for this.

I think that's exactly what you are feeling, Spaz. You are punishing yourself. Maybe if you could try to believe what people here are telling you, that you are a good person, the nasty voices would quiet down.

It seems as humans we have programmed ourselves to hear the one bad comment out of a hundred great ones, and we focus in on that as if to say, see I knew it.

I hope with all my heart you can get past this.

Petunia