I know this probably sounds crazy or stupid but. . .

how can you know if a person is "safe?" I'm thinking in particular about whether someone is safe for the young, hurt, child-like, vulnerable part of us inside.

There's a part of myself that i've hidden away for decades because when i've allowed that part of me to feel and be alive and interact with other people, and attach to them, i've gotten terribly hurt. It's a very sensitive part of me (too sensitive, by this world's standards). I guess a long time ago, on a subconscious level, i decided that i was too sensitive for this world and could not get along in it. . .so i shut that part of me off, buried it or whatever. . .)

Anyway, since my breakdown and entering therapy, i've discovered this lost part of myself. My t has been trying over the years to get me to trust her enough to allow this part of me expression, to let the hurt out, and basically try again to be my whole self and connect with another person. But whenever i begin to feel close to her, or i let this hurting vulnerable side of me out, i later feel anxious and find a way to pull back and put my armor back on.

I know this is standing in my way because i know i need to let the hurt out and allow the trust and soothing and be my whole self. But i have been hurt so much by people i trusted that i'm terrified of taking any risks in relationships now. It's like, even though my t is offering the hurt part of me what i need to heal, another part panicks. And so she "undoes" the good that the hurt part of me needs.

The basic problem, i think i've realized, is that i don't know what a "safe person" is. I don't know how to tell if a person is "safe." I don't think as a child, anybody ever explained it to me . . .or even as an adult. I've tried over the years to tell if somebody was safe, but i've gotten burned badly a number of times. . .to the point now where I'm paranoid of getting close to anyone. I don't trust myself to know if somebody is safe because i've been wrong so much in the past. So i isolate and bury that vulnerable sad part of me as a way to prevent any potential hurt. That's why i'm struggling so much in therapy. Because if i can't tell what safe is, or who is safe, then i can't fully relax or trust even in my t. I can't let her work with the hurting, messed up parts of me.

What is SAFE? What is a SAFE PERSON?

I used to think if a person was nice, they were safe. My t is nice. But my abuser was also nice. My t makes me feel good and happy. But so did my abuser at times.

I looked up "safe" in the dictionary and it said free from harm or evil. I know my t isn't harmful or evil. But the dictionary also said "unhurt" and "free from risk." There have been times when my t said or did something that really hurt me (even though we talked it over later and i felt better). And i don't see my relationship with my t as "without risk." I know she will eventually retire and terminate with me. That is going to hurt very badly. So allowing myself to trust and get close to her "IS" a risk.

Is it even possible to find a safe person that you can be sure is not going to hurt you, and where there is no risk? Because that's what the dictionary says "safe" means.?????

I know other people just go on their gut feelings to tell if somebody is safe. But i can't do that!! My gut has told me the wrong thing too many times. I've been so hurt that now my gut tells me everybody is "unsafe"!

PLEASE, can somebody help me figure this out? I hate being guarded and in armor with my t. I also hate trusting her and then pulling back all the time.

I don't know what to do.