"I'm done." That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Then I ask myself "what am I done with"? I start going down the list of things I am involved with in my life. I don't feel like I can or want to quit many of them, then I think "I'm not okay". But I am okay. Really, when I break it down, I am okay.

I feel empty and anxious. I feel like I can't breathe, but I can. I feel like I need to put more effort in...but how? I just get started and I lose ambition. It loses meaning. I try to push thru anyway and it collapses.

My T tells me that I am in a liquid state. You know, between being a caterpiller and a butterfly. I am vulnerable. This thought gives me hope and scares me, paralyzes me. There are so many things pending. Do I need to be patient and let them happen...or not happen? Is it time to take action? If so, what direction do I start out in? What do I want? What do I need? How do I figure that out?

It seems that everytime I try to live my life for me, certain relationships get messed up. I know, if they can't accept me for who I am then maybe I should reevaluate whether the relationship is worth maintaining. I have tried to let go. I have tried to change it. At this point it's not possible for me to escape the grip of it. I pry the fingers away. All but the last one. It feels too slippery to be released. So, I pull them all back in. One by one. Slowly, until they are once again sufficating me. They don't mean to. They want the best for me. They love me. They just don't know how to love me when I am living my life in a way that is different than theirs. They don't understand my soul. They don't have the capability to understand it. I try to rid myself of expectations of them. So far it's all or nothing. I have messed with the core. I don't think things can ever go back to how they used to be. I don't want them to, but I don't know how I want them to be. I don't know if it could be how I want them to be if I could figure it out. (did that make sense?)

My H finally sees what I've been talking about. How validating! So, I'm not completely crazy. It does exist and it's not all me. I know I have a lot to work on and I am the cause of some of this, maybe a lot of it. I am trying to figure things out. I need to figure out what I want/need. Voice it in the most compassionate way I am able and see if they can work with it. There has to be a middle ground somewhere, right? Even if it's just seeing each other on Thanksgiving??? maybe a random phone call here and there??? or maybe an occasional card sent thru the US Postal Service??? It's sticky and slippery at the same time. Ugh.