Thanks for your reply, Sunrise. Over the weekend I thought about this a lot and kind of came to the same conclusions that you did here. My boyfriend asked me to meet his oldest son but I told him I want to wait. Also think I will wait on the moving in. And I thought more about his wife’s attitude… if I had children (which I don’t), I’m sure I’d feel really upset at the thought of another woman entering their lives. Regarding how he handled his marriage and the cheating… they were married for a long time and stopped having a physical relationship about 10 years ago; I guess they tried therapy and that didn’t work for them, and they have been talking about getting divorced for about three years. Yes, I guess I’d like him to reiterate to his wife that I am not the source of their breakup and remind her that they’ve been unhappy and ready to end things for a long time. He tells me he has done that and that she is just being irrational, but I only have his word to go on with that. His extended family tells me he’s very honest about things like that. Thanks again for taking the time to read about and consider my situation! Your advice does help.
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Originally Posted by sunrise
Who would you like to bear the brunt? It sounds like maybe you'd like your boyfriend to step in and direct her anger more towards himself? The bottom line is, he cheated on his wife, so logically it does seem like she should be most angry with him, if anyone. But these things aren't logical, are they? Just try to keep lines of communication open with your boyfriend, encourage him to be honest with his wife, and don't rush meeting his kids and becoming close to them or even involved in things like transporting them to sporting events. Let the other stuff work out first before becoming too wrapped up in the kids, as that is a big source of vulnerability and fear for his wife right now (like the mama bear who will attack at any sign of danger to her cubs). After all, you've only been dating your boyfriend for a few months. I think it wise to tread carefully so soon after the break-up of a long marriage. If your boyfriend is worth it, your patience will be rewarded. In the meantime, you can get to know your boyfriend better and build and nurture your relationship. Moving in together after only 3 months in the midst of the difficult break-up of a marriage seems really fast and perhaps unwise--JMO. Do you really know him? This is a guy who cheated on his wife, and who reacted to his dissatisfaction with his marriage by taking drugs. There were other ways to handle this. I hope he is a great guy and everything works out for you two--I am just suggesting moving slowly.
Some family therapists recommend that an ex-spouse with a new partner not introduce the partner to his/her children until they have been going out 6 months or a year. This prevents the kids from having to be introduced to a series of romantic partners that don't pan out. If the spouse waits 6-12 months, then it is more likely he/she is serious about the new partner. That is just what some therapists say--don't know if it applies to your boyfriend's situation or not. (His kids are teens so maybe that would shorten the "waiting period"?)
Good luck.
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