T called me. I cried. I had a whole huge thing typed out and lost it. ARGH.

I told her I didn't know if she just didn't get my message last night or if she was purposely trying to let me stew in my emotions over night, and she said she was purposely trying to let me stew in my emotions overnight, lol. That's when I started crying. I told her I don't think she knows how much that hurts me and that I know I look like I'm doing great but she doesn't know how raw and vulnerable I really am.

I told her I spent a lot of the night thinking about the "fact" that she didn't call me back because of what we talked about during our session yesterday. She was hugely apologetic about that, I know she wasn't looking at it that way.

I just hate it when I can see her using DBT protocols on me. I want and need her to respond to me with compassion and caring, particularly when I am calling in the middle of a big PTSD trigger fest. I don't want to think of her looking at her book and following some behavior shaping checklist or extinguishing protocol. I hate that.

she did mention that I didn't ask for a call back, which is fair I guess except that's never been our pattern. I told her I've been calling her for 2 years and didn't know I had to ask her to call me back. So at the end of the conversation (which was loooong, 30 minutes!) she said "so, in the future should I call you back every time you call unless you specifically say you don't need a call back?" and I said that'd be GREAT.

We talked about trauma and how I'm trying so hard to love myself and we talked about my mom and my relationship with her and she shared some personal things with me, which is out of character for her. I think she was trying to show me that she can be vulnerable in the relationship, too.

So, it was good and I feel marginally better. I think I may be able to sleep now. I can't believe I cried as much as I did

I feel kind of stupid because I keep replying to myself or adding more to posts I wrote earlier. But...we also talked about how hard I'm working at loving myself and T said I should practice saying "I love me", and it was really weird because I just got a new phone and I put in the personalized banner this morning and that's what I put: I love me. I told her I'm not there yet but I want to be and that I put that on my phone because it's the thing I want the most right now, more than anything else.