((((((everyone))))))

You guys. Thank you. I needed so much to come here and read your messages of love and support. Thank you.

SAWE, thanks in particular for validating that my T might need a KITA, I agree. I'm trying to focus on the conversations I've had with her today and in the past where I know she is doing her very best with me. I still feel like I was in a larger amount of emotion misery over night because of her decision to not call me back yesterday. It was a misstep on her part and I'm trying to be forgiving and realize that we all make mistakes. But...damn. That hurt. A lot. It triggers a lot of abandonment $hit, obviously.

BUT. Yes, Jexa, the conversation we had was healing and she went waaaay over her usual 5ish minute limit so that was important. It shows me that she does care. She told me more than once that she was calling to check on me, that she went to a funeral this morning but her first priority after that was calling me.

I actually talked to her again this evening as I was freaking out over my mom's email and what to do and also freaking out about having to go to class tonight in the middle of this emotional mess. We talked for about 10 minutes that time.

I'm just all torn up. I'm equal parts hurt by T and feeling nurtured by her. I'm exhausted beyond words, I think I've slept maybe 10 hrs total in the past 3 nights. I am at the absolute limit of what I can handle and I'm TERRIFIED to go to sleep. Every single time I tried to sleep today the flashbacks would come the second I relaxed. I'm so scared and so alone and yet I keep telling myself that, no, I'm not alone. I'm not all alone in the world, but I am alone in my skin and that's the dialectic I guess.



PS I want to make a blanket apology to everyone, I know you are each going through your own things and I'm sorry I'm leaning heavily on you and not giving a lot back right now. I'll try to do better.