Went to therapy last night...didn't go so well. Didn't actually think it would. I couldn't stop shaking and thinking and moving. I kept stumbling over my words, and just told her it was a waste of time for me to even come here. She is very supportive and I just don't understand how she can even deal with me anymore. She keeps saying hold on one more week...ok so I hold on that week, now what?

I have a pdoc appt. on Friday and I could care less if I go or not. We have to fill out this piece of paper on how well we are doing and crap like that, I just want to lie and say everything is fine, him just fill the meds, not that I need them and be on my way. Tell him am done seeing him and that's that.

My mind is so f---ed up right now. I don't know which way to go anymore. I know my thinking is distorted at times and not thinking like I should, but ya know, I can't help but go down that road at times, and now it seems almost every waking moment is spent going further down that road. So many thoughts go through my head. so many ideas and plans. WTF is going on with me, and why can't I control these thoughts.

I told her I am done with doctors and my pdoc and she asked if i was done with counseling. I told her I want to be, I said it should be done now. She told me there is no time limit to healing and that she is there when I need her. That's the thing, do I need her or don't I? Do i need anyone really? Do I need me?

It's getting to the point that things are so screwed up I don't even want to leave my place anymore. I have laundry to do today and it's just down the hall, but leaving my apt. is getting more and more scary for me. I really don't understand where this is all coming from but I don't know if it's ever going to stop.

Well, am going to try and get another couple of hours of sleep if I can. My mind is so full of crap that I can't slow it down or shut it off.

Thanks for listening and am sorry if it sounds like am complaining, am just saying what is going on.
Jen