I want to THANK ALL OF YOU who have replied to my posts this week and I must say, I never expected the love and encouragement in such a short time. I already feel excepted and not judged for telling the truth. I was planning to end it all, but because of all of you, I feel as if I finally have friends I can talk to. PC friends for me are better than what I have in person, which is none. You guys have made me cry good tears of a tiny bit of hope. I have totally lost my faith in God because he allows me to carry more than I can take. But....some how I ended up here when I was so close to the end.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I feel safe in here even though all of you are only shadows on the screen, just typed out words however.....I have been deeply touched here.

Friday I see my shrink. I am so scared but I know I must tell him the truth or I won't get better, I don't feel right and my meds are not working any more. If you don't hear from me then you will know I have been hospitalized . I trust my shrink so much even though some times I do not like what he wants me to do but he is such a good caring man and he really listens to me. The last time I saw him ( 2 months ago) he knew I was hiding things from him, and he told me so. He also has had nurses call 3 times since to check on me, but I always tell them I am fine, just tired. I cant hide it any more. I don't want to be put in the hospital, we can't afford any more bills plus I feel so caged there. I am so scared. I feel that maybe if I tell him how I have really been but I have found a place to let out the pain maybe he will just adjust my meds and give me another month. I know this place is not a place to replace the real deal etc, trust me I understand, I read all the rules before I singed up. But for ME this place gives me hope because every time I make a post, ppl reply to me. That is such a good feeling. That is what I have been begging for...ppl to talk to and...here I am.

I told my husband one last time of my intentions last night. He turned off the TV and held me as i cried. He told me it has been so hard for him because he doesn't know what to do and he has been angry. For once in a long time he connected with me. He wants to go in with me during my visit friday. I am not sure on that one because I know for a fact if he does what will happen.

I hope I can soon give back to at least one person here what I have recieved.