DE ***hugs********* (whispering it's Mary Alice )

Don't apologize.........and yes, you are a little late. I went to my T this morning and after our appt. I went to the restroom and just cut away. I realized that it wouldn't stop bleeding, so I went up and asked for a bandage and some antiseptic - she was so very snotty to me - and got my T out of his other appt.

I wanted to die on the spot. She announced in front of his other patient that "someone had just cut themselves out here". He came out and I wanted to run. He walked up to me and asked what had happened. I said I was fine, just wanted the things. My T then asked me if I had cut and I mumbled yes.

He was so angry.......I heard a tone that scared me. He motioned for me to come in the back and I was afraid to go near him. Eventually I went back and he gave me a bandage, tape and peroxide........[sigh]. Told me he wanted an email from me explaining what had happened, etc. to make me do it.

I called my pdoc and arranged a fast meeting with him for a prescription refill. While waiting for him, I started cutting more and didn't stop for a long time. My arm is in such bad shape.

When I got to see him, I told him that we hadn't "really talked" in quite sometime and asked him if he realized just how badly I was harming myself. My pdoc had no clue, really. So I showed him my legs (he was horrified by the scars and cuts), and then I made him promise me that no one else would see my arm, but if he would please take care of it.

I took off my coat and it was just all over my arm. He couldn't believe that I had done that. He got some stuff and it burned so badly.........then he put gauze over it and then wrapped it. Gave me extras as well so I can keep it covered till it is all gone.

I swore I would never do that again on my arms, but I just kept going. My pdoc said he was going to call my T and see what other meds they could put me on, if any, and wanted to know when my next appt with my T was. I called my T and he very quietly asked me what had happened to make me do that. I told him that it was actually alot worse than it had been.

My T gave me a homework assignment - anytime I feel like cutting, before I do it, write down what happened just before I do it and how do I feel.........

::::::::looking at my raw, sore arm::::::::::::::::::: [sigh] I am so incredibly stupid.

Mary Alice

P.S. Just listening helps.......honestly