I'm discouraged.

The past few years of my life have been ugly when it comes to my bipolar. I've been in the hospital three times, and up and down and all over the place beside that. I'd say I've definitely gotten worse in the past couple years.

I fear that I'm destined for a lifetime of misery, and constant uncontrollable ups and downs which will ruin any chance of a career or family, or whatever aspirations I may have. My worst fear is that someday I'll end up on disability because my illness has gotten so bad that I am completely unable to function.

That's depressing, and sometimes I wonder why I bother fighting. I wonder why I'm trying so hard to get through and move on. Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up now and save myself a lifetime of agony and disappointment.

When I shared this thought with my normally cheerful therapist tonight, he suddenly became very serious and asked me if I am "safe," or if I need to go somewhere to be safe. I reassured him that I am, but he still seemed concerned. I've worked with him for over two years, and that is the first time he ever suggested that I might need more immediate help.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what motivates all of you to go on when things get dark and dreary and when the future looks bleak. What is your source of optimism in a life afflicted by bipolar?