Quote:
Originally Posted by Medicated
I'm discouraged.
The past few years of my life have been ugly when it comes to my bipolar. I've been in the hospital three times, and up and down and all over the place beside that. I'd say I've definitely gotten worse in the past couple years.
I fear that I'm destined for a lifetime of misery, and constant uncontrollable ups and downs which will ruin any chance of a career or family, or whatever aspirations I may have. My worst fear is that someday I'll end up on disability because my illness has gotten so bad that I am completely unable to function.
That's depressing, and sometimes I wonder why I bother fighting. I wonder why I'm trying so hard to get through and move on. Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up now and save myself a lifetime of agony and disappointment.
When I shared this thought with my normally cheerful therapist tonight, he suddenly became very serious and asked me if I am "safe," or if I need to go somewhere to be safe. I reassured him that I am, but he still seemed concerned. I've worked with him for over two years, and that is the first time he ever suggested that I might need more immediate help.
Anyway, I'm just wondering what motivates all of you to go on when things get dark and dreary and when the future looks bleak. What is your source of optimism in a life afflicted by bipolar?
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First, please be safe and call 911 if you are intent on suicide. You CAN get help.
What motivates me is the "what if". Not the what if I never get stable, but the what if I DO get stable! My meds are working better every day but sometimes I get a little worried that I will never hold a job amongst other things. When I get worried, or when I want to check out, or when I think there's no hope, nothing will change, etc, I think "What if I get better and I miss out on finally enjoying my life".
I think, what if I destroy my children, my husband, my mother if I leave them by doing it myself? What if they think it's their fault? I think, what if I miss out on finally getting the farm I've always wanted? What if I never got the chance to really LIVE!
Don't give up hope for the what ifs. Your life can get better - getting worse is not the only potential outcome. When I think back now on all my suicide attempts I'm so grateful that I held in there a little longer. My life has been worth it, even if it hasn't been perfect. The good has far outweighed the bad.
I hope that you can gain just a little hope from my story. I sincerely hope you can choose to feel that the what ifs can be wonderful, but you have to stick around to find out. I wish you nothing but the best.
