Sannah,

Hmmm. So your post made me wonder if I'm afraid of intimacy. It does seem like I can open up much more to people i don't know well or who are not safe. yeeeeesh. Then i have a terrible experience and end up even more pathologically self-protective. Maybe self-esteem does enter the picture. i don't know. I think i've felt rejected so many times that the straw finally broke the camel's back and now i have trouble getting out of my shell even when i want to trust and feel safe. i have such thick walls around me.

Sitting,

That makes sense. . .to accept what a person displays in their behavior day in and day out. That's what t told me on Wednesday when i asked her this question. She asked me questions about how she has treated me over time. Like has she been here when she says she will be? Has she showed caring about my feelings? Has she ever ridiculed me? Has she ever told me i shouldn't feel the way i do? Does she ever touch me without asking? etc. It really helped me to put together her actions over time into my mind and realize that i really am safe with her.

Doogie,

Yes, i get what you're saying. It's not so much what somebody says, but what they do. My t has unintentionally hurt my feelings a few times, and it always sent me running back behind my armor. I think a part of me (an unrealistic part) feels that somebody has to be 100% with me, never hurting my feelings. Like if something "hurts" inside, then automatically a part of me says "HURT - UNSAFE! UNSAFE!" And feeling rejected by others in my life has felt sooo, sooo bad that a small, vulnerable part of me wants a relationship that will never ever hurt me again. I know it's not realistic.

Geez,

I'm glad you can relate. It makes me feel not so crazy.


Purplefins,

So are you saying that you don't evaluate the danger of the other person. . .but instead you evaluation your own strength to withstand the danger? That's a completely new thought to me. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Can you say more about it?

Blackcanary,

You're so right. Your words really made me stop and think. I've been doing this pathological, self-protective, isloation thing for a long time and it's making me lose out on so much good care and good feelings and healing from my t. It's also keeping me from making any new friends. I am "safe" that way, but it doesn't really feel like "living." More like just "existing" or being in limbo. Meanwhile, time is running out with my t. I've been with her for 10+ years now and she'll be retiring in another year or so. It's going to be the saddest thing in the world if when i terminate i realize i could never truly benefit from all those years in therapy because i could never truly open up and trust enough to allow her in.

So. . .i took a chance in my session this week. i did open up and i cried and cried and let her hold my hand and help soothe me. It's a real act of courage for me when i do that. a real act of trust to put myself out there, warts and all, and not put on that fake superficial "I'm strong and don't need anybody" mask. i still can't believe i did it.

Today, i don't know how to feel. I felt so helped and soothed on my session. But i'm not used to dropping my guard and feeling good. I think i'm afraid to let myself be too happy or feel too good. It's like a part of me feels that by doing so, i'm sluffing off and being irresponsible, and that i should be working out some problem or preparing for some situation down the road.

There's a small empty spot where i've let out some of the pain. and i don't know what to do with it. I'm fighting the urge to fill that spot back up with some kind of worry or other pain. I don't know why i have this compulsion! Why do i feel i must carry pain? when i let go of it, somehow i feel uneasy, like i am not used to not feeling worried or anxious or bad. My t wants me to do something that feels good, to play. right now i'm just sitting with the "lack of pain" feeling. it's new and something i am not used to. i think i've been in pain and worry for so long that when i am not that way, i don't know how what to do with myself.

Am i nuts?

WePow,

You have a good idea too. . .a scale. I was sort of thinking in black and white: eithe somebody is safe OR they are not. I like the idea of the scale. I might try that!