Hi everyone. Yes, I'm still alive.

I don't intend to overdose, I was just saying that it's really tempting when I get discouraged.

I have gotten so much worse in the past few years that I deeply fear that this deterioration will be a continuing trend which will ruin me.

I told this to my therapist last night and he was sympathetic, understanding, and encouraging, although also concerned for my safety.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night and told him that I'm tempted to overdose and asked what he recommends. Hopefully he realizes that it won't happen unless I lose control... but I put it out there. Now he knows, and I'll let him decide what he thinks is best.

I still don't think I need to be hospitalized (again). I just need a dose of optimism or something. Sometimes I think it will all work out just fine, but sometimes I wonder who I'm kidding.

Anyway, that's the update. I'll let you know what the psychiatrist says whenever I hear back from him (and he's usually pretty quick about responding).