Posting a lot lately... Sorry. I just hate waking up with anxiety. Basically I wake up and spend the first few moments of my day feeling lazy and "good for nothing." It's awful. In anyone else I would see it as depression but in me I see myself as a total jerk. This morning just moving around the kitchen, feeding the cats making coffee - the feeling most present is that being unemployed makes me feel like the "scum of the Earth." I just kept repeating it. The thing that gets me is that now I will put on old clothes and clean the house from top to bottom. We're going to visit some family this weekend so it has to be done. I guess I don't want to come back to a dirty house. Vacuum, scrub, to the dishes, laundry. It will take five hours I am sure. But it is never enough. To be honest, the voices always come at me (in my mind) from my dad's wife. She has always been quick to point out who in the family should be working, who should get a job. And yet she and my dad will provide money to some family members who aren't working... and then complain about it over and over to me. So in my mind I jus can't see how I'm any different. My dad has been providing me with some living expenses. But he and his wife don't usually see eye to eye on money issues. She always wants to save - even to the extent of telling him what not to buy at the grocery store. So I feel so guilty that I am taking money where deep down his wife is resentful. Yesterday I just outright decided I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I vowed I would find work soon. Yesterday I was so upbeat. I even got up the stregth to go into a store I liked to see if they were hiring. (of course they weren't) Today, I will just hide.