I don't know how many of you read my earlier posts about my concern for telling my T about my cutting, out of fear that she would put me in a hospital. I eventually came to the conclusion that I would write her a letter and tell her all about my cutting and its roots, since I knew I would never have the courage to mention it in session and just blurt out my deepest darkest secret. I wrote the letter, and after much debate, handed it to her at the end of one of our sessions. About an hour later she called my cell phone, and we talked a little bit about my cutting and such since I wouldnt be seeing her for the next two weeks because she was going out of state. I was extremely apprehensive about going to our next session, for I knew it would be hard to face her when she knew something no one else did, and something that I am so ashamed about. But I went, and I think the session went pretty well. One of the first things she asked me was to show her my cuts, I hesitated until about the end of our session, but I finally showed her the bulk of my cuts which were on my arm. During the session we talked all about what triggers it and how she is strongly suggesting that I go in inpatient for a while, but she said that she is by no means going to force me at this point (but this is mainly because I have still yet to work up the courage to tell her the extent of my suicidal obsessions cause I KNOW where this would land me.) Showing her my cuts was so hard, and I even made her cry because she told me that it really hurt her to see someone of my 'potential' (ha) hurt myself. I do feel better now that she knows, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. This also makes my very uneasy though, and there is more anxiety than ever when going to my T appointments. She suggested that I tell my Pdoc about my cutting at my next appointment, but I can;t honestly picture myself just blurting it out to him and reliving this situation all over again. She suggested that this info may help him decide on a medication that may help me stop (or at least not do it so often) seeing as she thinks it has become a sort of ritual which I must do to feel normal ( which is significant because I used to have the most extreme OCD from age 9 until about 13). The thing is that I don't want to stop cutting at this point. It is the only thing I look forward to. It seems like I think about it way more than I should. I keep telling myself when I am out that "i'll be better it I can just get home and cut." I don't think I am one of the most extreme cutters. I cut mainly on my forearms and some on my thighs, but have only gone somewhat deep a handful of times. More often they are just enough to part that first layer of skin and bleed. But everytime I cut I need to do MORE and go DEEPER in order to get that same feeling. My T detected that it is quite a dissassociative act, in which I zone out and am later somewhat shocked and scared of what I have done. Anyways, sorry this was so long. I just feel that at this point I;m only piling more and more problems on, and am past the point of even caring or wanting to get better. Mostly this is because I am afraid of getting better and not cutting because I feel that those closest to be (my T and Pdoc) will abandon me. I suck.