When I have no hope I let others carry my hope for me: my T, my pdoc, and my partner have all told me that I will get better. After 3 years of depression I'm finally on a meds combo that makes me more than functional. So, they were right to hope and I was wrong to give up hope. Now I have proof. Now I can hope for a better future. My brain is not my enemy any more. I have hope for you that you will eventually (hopefully sooner than later) find the right meds to give you a sense of well being like I now have.

Another technique I have when thinking about the future, is what scientific discoveries will I miss if I check out early? We've recently found another planet that could harbor life...the first one ever. How cool is that? I want to be alive when nanotechnology can repair our cells from the inside and we can all add decades to our lifespan. I want to be alive when all the people who were cryogenically frozen are thawed and healed with such nanobots and brought back to life. I want to be alive for when we have a manned space mission to Mars. Or when a trip to the moon is affordable for middle class people (even though I'm below the poverty line, maybe someday I will be able to hold a job that earns me such an income). I want to be alive for when the most elegant equation possible that describes both the behavior of quantum particles and the universe as a whole comes to light. Like when plate techtonics unified all the geological theories that were out there.

There are many other things I could list, but those are a few of the reasons why I keep going, even on bad days. Most importantly, I would never want to leave behind so much guilt and confusion to the people I love, wondering if somehow they could have done something different so I wouldn't have done it. You seem to be a rational person and I'm sure you've thought those thoughts too. I know you will make it, but if you feel unsafe (too impulsive), definitely go to the hospital. You won't regret saving your own life. Why? For as many bad things that may be in the future, there will be at least as many good things. We have to hope against our pessimism sometimes. Why? It isn't the whole truth any more than an optimistic outlook is.

Take care and stay safe.