I don't really know why I'm posting this. I'm looking for someone who can help me understand myself, but I guess I feel doubtful because I think, if I can't understand myself what makes me think someone else could. but I'm taking the chance because I'm at a loss.

I feel like I'm so abnormal all the time. If I wasn't a highschool student, living at home, and without a job, then I would actually consider talking to a professional therapist. but as of now, I couldn't afford one or see one without anyone knowing.

I want to try to explain myself. I've spent a lot of time in my past being suicidal, and now, although I'm not in that environment anymore so I don't have those reasons anymore to be suicidal, I still go through short phases (lasting a few days or a few weeks), where I'll start feeling that same way for no real reason. I make a tiny mistake and suddenly I'll feel like I want to die. I honestly believe that some day in the future, when I do die, it will be of suicide.

But there's a reason why I posted this in the "Sexual and Gender Issues" section. Like, I said I feel so abnormal. so confused. I've have gone through long phases where I thought I was a lesbian, phases where I thought I was asexual, straight, and bi, and even phases where I would have done anything to have been born as a guy instead, I thought for sure that when I became an adult I would get a sex change. And I still go through every single one of those phases, only in more like cycles. And those phases can last for a month, 6 months, or a year, before it changes again. I don't know why I keep changing. Sometimes I think I just obsessed about things so much in my head and that I'm imagining all this. I've never been in a relationship with a guy or a girl. so maybe all this will go away once I do?

And to make things more confusing for myself, I have another problem where I keep having sex with total strangers. It doesn't happen so often that I would I'm addicted or anything, it all really depends on what 'phase' I'm going through which causes me to do that. And so all the time I try to avoid going places alone or anywhere I might end up having sex with a stranger again. I really don't want to get an STD or get pregnant or something. But I really don't know why I find it so HARD to not do it. It's like in the moment I become a different person or something where I forget about all the millions of reasons I had told myself before for why it's bad to have sex with a stranger.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has idea how I can control myself better, and help me figure out all this confusing things so I can feel like I at least know who I am.